Big Time Rush: Fear, Love and Acceptance
by Iseeklove
Summary: James has been feeling something that he doesn't believe is right, and yet deep down he knows he can't make it go away. Will he eventually have the courage to tell that one person how he truly feels, or will he just miss the opportunity? Kendall x James


Big Time Rush

Epilogue 

My darkest secret

Kendal, James, Logan and Carlos are all part of the music group Big Time Rush. They are one of the world's hottest boy bands and they are all living the high life, rolling deep in their success. But for one member of the group, something dark and sinister was developing inside. James, the sweet and mild natured of the boys is starting to develop feelings for someone else in the band. It's a scary feeling for him, how would the others boys react if they knew his secret. James was scared; he was so scared in fact he started to develop the habit of just not sleeping, fearing that if he slept he would dream about his crush. James knew it wasn't healthy, but he just didn't want to feel like he was feeding more fuel to the fires. He was getting desperate, he didn't know whom to confide in and he started to travel down a path of self-hatred – why was he feeling this way? Why can't he just be normal? Will he hate me? All of these notions were spiraling out of control in James' mind. One day, James couldn't take it anymore, he was in room all alone at the Big Time Rush mansion while the other boys had gone clubbing – James declined the offer of joining his friends, he locked the door and grabbed his razor from his bathroom. At this point of no return – as James had felt, he was trembling and crying uncontrollably. He wanted to live, but he also wanted to die. He felt that if he committed suicide he wouldn't have to feel the pain every night, he wouldn't have to feel so lonely – he felt that no one understood him. James had been lonesome for some time, he just felt like the entire world was pressuring him into doing things that he didn't want to do. James was just looking for a way out, deep down he didn't want to die, I mean who does? James just wanted to be saved. But alas this was his point of no return! James placed the razor on top of his wrist. He could feel the tips of the blades on his soft bronze skin. James was biting his lips at this point, and then with one swift slash, he had done the deed. James had never felt this kind of pain before. He dropped the blade and blood started gushing forth from the three red lines on his wrist. He was bleeding profusely and adrenaline started to travel all-throughout his body. He knew that this was it. James had stopped crying at this point, he knew that this was what he had wanted, and finally he had gotten his wish. He slowly moved to his bed, he just collapsed on top of it, and as he crashed into the soft blue covers and blankets and pillows, he started to feel a sense of regret. How would his friends react? Would they hate him? The tears started to roll down his pink cheeks again. And how would he react? But James realized that it was too late for regrets now. He knew that he couldn't turn back from this. Five minutes had passed and he could hear the dripping of some liquid, and then he realized that it was just the blood rolling down the blanket, he was fascinated at how much blood had formed on the floor, it was as if a small lake of red blood had started to form. His vision started to blur, and he knew his time was coming to an end and so James closed his eyes. But before he could leave this cruel world, he needed to feel completely liberated, he needed to say those forbidden words; "…Kendall, I…love you…" and having said those words a single tear came down his right eye. James had now drifted away, and all he could see now was darkness…

The other boys had come back from the club, and knew not of what had transpired in the house. Kendall the blonde leader of the group had felt something was wrong. Why hadn't James responded to his texts? He simply texted that he and the other guys were coming home and wondering if James was okay. Kendall knew something was wrong, he knew that James had always replied to his texts. He went upstairs, and went down the hall and found James' room and it was locked. Kendall knocked three times, "James, you okay man?" But no reply had come forth from the silent room. He knocked three more times and still nothing. Kendall was frustrated and he put his arm on the door and rested his head on it. He was wondering why James was acting so weird these past few months. They didn't have those long conversations that they had months ago, and James was avoiding Kendall. All these thoughts made Kendall ask himself: "What did I do wrong?" as he was looking down something dark and liquid like was coming through the bottom of the door. He stooped down and placed a finger on the liquid, and with closer inspection realized that it was red, it was blood. Panic had now engulfed Kendall; he knew something was very wrong. He paced backwards and he realized he needed to open the door. He charged and with great force kicked opened the door. The room was dark, and so Kendall turned on the lights and to his horror on his right where James' bed was James himself lying on his bed covered in blood. Kendall quickly rushed to James, and was frantically trying to wake him up, but nothing worked. Kendall didn't know what to do, he looked at his friends face, his face was covered in a thin film of tears and he detected a sense of sadness or regret in James' facial expression. He looked for the body part that was bleeding, and he discovered that it was James' left wrist. It looked like the blood had coagulated around the slash marks. Kendall could also hear the soft breathing of James, "He's alive, and he's breathing! Carlos, Logan Come here now!" screamed Kendall. The two boys heard the request of Kendall and rushed to the second level. They too were extremely shocked at the sight – Kendall kneeling on James' bedside with blood on the floor.

"Oh shit Kendall, what happened? Why is there blood all over the place?" inquired Carlos.

"What do you think dumbass? James just slit his wrist!" Kendall angrily replied.

"I'm sorry man, I was just asking, but what do we do now? Carlos said with a hint of shock.

"Carlos call 911 now!" demanded Kendall. And with a nod from Carlos he quickly ran downstairs to dial for help.

"How could he do this to us?" questioned Kendall. "I mean he could have come to us for help or something, but instead he thought committing suicide was the answer."

"Maybe he was just afraid or didn't know how to tell us Ken, I mean James has been acting weird; not talking to us as he used to and he has been avoiding you, maybe it's because he's mad or something..." Logan said.

"Guys I did it I called 911 and they're sending in an ambulance" Carlos said, sweat running down his face.

Kendall couldn't help but look down at James' face - he didn't know what friend was thinking when he slit his wrists. But he knew that something terrible must have compelled James into doing it. A few silent moments past and the boys were all just trying to let the situation sink in, when the sound of loud sirens whir in the distance. Without even needing to be ordered to open the front doors for the paramedics, Carlos dashed downstairs to open the doors. The men followed Carlos to the second floor, and quickly entered the room. The men put down the stretcher, and carefully placed James' body on top of it. They went downstairs with the three boys behind them, and as the men placed the stretcher into the ambulance, the boys had one thing in mind - why did he do it? The ambulance sped away, and with the front door closed, the boys went their separate ways to just try to understand what the fuck just happened that fateful night.

This is just the epilogue so please do comment, I've always wanted to make my own fanfic of BTR, and the opportunity has now revealed itself.


End file.
